Mathematics: Helping to Avoid Coyote Ugly Since 2005

Is there anything alcohol can’t do? I’m convinced it causes me to dance better, increases my fearless flirting technique tenfold, and always manages to bring more good-looking fellows into the bar than what should be statistically possible. Sadly, the morning after brings me slowly to a reality I’d much rather not face: I never could dance—last night was no exception, I still have the natural sex appeal of a banana slug, and those lookers a couple hours ago were the same creepers usually encountered at sketchy university watering holes only enhanced through the wonder of “beer goggles.”

The phenomenon known as “beer goggles” is usually brought on by a good-amount of boozing which magically makes even the most unfortunate-looking person into quite the desirable piece of bum.

Researchers at Manchester University have created a mathematical approach to the warped physical appeal brought on by “beer goggles.” Alcohol isn’t the only factor to be looked at; other elements to be worked in include the level of light, the general smokiness, and the distance between the two people. The equation works on a scale from less than one, meaning no beer goggle effect, to more than 100, making even the most offensive person look like a “super model.”

Nathan Efron, Professor of Clinical Optometry at the University of Manchester, claims, “Someone with normal vision, who has consumed five pints of beer and views a person 1.5 metres away in a fairly smoky and poorly lit room, will score 55, which means they would suffer from a moderate beer goggle effect.”

Seeing as a poll showed that 68% of people regretted giving their phone number to someone whom they later discovered they were not exactly attracted to, it may be worthwhile next time you decide to take a night out on the town to bring along a mathematically-inclined, sober friend.